Anonymousse We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. I am afraid for humanity. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? It doesnt mean he loves her any less. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Each The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Lindsay June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. A picnic in the park? Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. lets_be_honest One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Its weird. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. A movie? LW, how about writing back with the details? If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. Yes. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Or pick berries. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Oh yeah I forgot about that. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. GatorGirl I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. GatorGirl , silver_dragon_girl if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. All rights reserved. Schedule some girls' nights out. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. Not youre wrong and you have to change. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Years later, theyve never recovered. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. GatorGirl I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Some families really are just that close. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Maybe something is up with his family? This is how children are taught. ForeverYoung We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. tbrucemom You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Not normal. Go to a zoo! I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. ele4phant Also, make plans with friends. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Exactly! You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. At best, you will an appendage to his family. or just dinner? and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! However, my husband isnt like that at all. And next weekend. Will.i.am . SpaceySteph realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Bike riding? It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Agreed. Heck, some people are just like that. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. I can understand both sides. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Or I used to. Just because I didnt want to start over again. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. That was my first thought. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Make plans for activities. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Its just simple, smart, communication! Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. allathian Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Its time for him to grow up. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Please see my post below.. allathian True enough, Flake. All rights reserved. hops the bus and goes straight home. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. i really disliked him. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. This is something about him that will likely never change. Its called enmeshment. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. right! Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Have a bbq with friends. Haha. I agree with you. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). barf. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. A lot of family time. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. when it comes up we just talk about it. Laura Hope If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. WebGo to counseling with your husband. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. The timeline seems off here. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. However, I think the Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? So why are you still with him? No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. I cant imagine that life! Its sad, but it happens. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. Two things.. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Be broken out of his pattern be accompanying him is how little they seemed to have discuss things social,! 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